Washington DC (aka The Government) Letter to Santa

Government Brat

Dear Santa,

That meanie Senator Tom Coburn just released his 2013 Wastebook and while I can see why you think that some of it should land me on the naughty list, much of it wasn’t my fault like:

1. Coburn says that there was a lot of waste under “Paid to Do Nothing – (Government wide) At least $400 million”. The White House estimates it cost $2 billion to provide back pay to federal employees “for services that could not be performed” during the shutdown. “Total compensation costs, including benefits, are about 30 percent larger, in the range of $2.5 billion.” But that wasn’t my fault Santa, it was the nasty Republicans who shut down the government.

2. It’s Superman! – (National Guard) $10 million for the media campaign we used to promote Man of Steel was just cool. I mean who doesn’t love Superman or the National Guard. This was any Peter Pan’s dream (which is most of us in DC, right?) and I want to thank you Santa for not shutting down this project. It really kept me from not getting bored in 2013. Coburn calls this wasteful but I call it a super cool gift!

3. Uncle Sam Looking for Romance on the Web – (NEH) $914,000. Ok I am a little embarrassed about this one and I didn’t know you would find out… can we move on?

4. Beachfront Boondoggle: Taxpayer’s on the Hook for Paradise Island Homes – (HI) $500 million. I thought I was being very charitable on the home in Hawaii I mean even Coburn admits that “This year more than 100 individuals or families received loan guarantees for $500,000 or more [each] from the U.S. Department of Agriculture to purchase a residence in Hawaii.” Even poor people like these should be able to live in our Presidents birth state, right? You cannot fault me for this one not everyone has upfront money to buy their $500,000 dream home in Hawaii. I, the government, made it a reality.

5. Pimping the Tax Code – (NV) $17.5 million should have put me on the good list. People are always whining and complaining about their taxes and wanting more tax write-offs. Well the Mustang Ranch brothel, which was Nevada’s oldest, reduced its income tax liability by also deducting costs of “promotion,” which included “free passes.” Workers are also allowed business deductions. “[B]reast implants and…costumes” have also been ruled allowable deductions by the Internal Revenue Service (IRS). Helllloooo I’m thinking I’m making all kinds of folks happy there.

Mr. Coburn says that I, the Government, have wasted nearly $30 billion in “low priority” spending. Ask those folks who benefited if they think their projects like Healthcare.gov (so far $379 million), the Mega Blimp ($297 million went unused) and a million dollar busstop in VA are low priority. We gave people something to do so they could have a job. It’s the spirit of giving the money away for nothing that counts, really. You see, Santa, I the government am much like you, I give stuff away that cost me nothing and usually it’s broken or a debaucle before the years end but at least those who received it were happy for 5 minutes before they asked for more stuff.

I promise that next year on I will try harder to be better because it looks like you didn’t take away the Ryan- Murray budget deal that will Increase my federal spending and Increase my federal revenue! You’re my best buddy and like I promised, I will try much harder to be much better next year because I really want to be re-elected in 2014.

Sincerely,

The U.S. Government

 

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